God told me to. I know it. God told me to homeschool my son. I heard it loud and clear.
Okay, okay, it wasn't really like that. It was more like he lead me to it. He put homeschooling in my path enough times, so that my heart started to soften and become open to it. Then there was the soft whisper that came when my oldest started kindergarten and the house turned upside down. The whole family felt the shift. Then there were the little things at school that just didn't sit well with us. And so, the day came when it became the only clear, right decision for our family. So after nine weeks in kindergarten, we pulled him out of school and the journey began. Three years later, I now have a 1st and 2nd grader at home. And for the most part, it works great for us. We've never really regretted that decision and we have always felt convicted that God wanted this for our family.
Anyway, getting to the point, sometimes even when you feel like God has "told" you to do something, you don't always feel so convicted when life happens. And so lately, I find myself worrying that I'm not doing the right thing. Here's what's been on my mind...
Our life has been in an uproar this past year. My husband lost his job last October and although he is working, we're not back on our feet yet. I'm working here and there when I can, subbing at my youngest son's preschool and about ten hours in the church nursery in the evenings. That helps too, but we're still struggling and worrying. It's really the same boat that so many people are in now. So, I'm at peace with all of that. I have faith that the Lord is watching over us. He will prepare a way for us and he has never let us down. We feel blessed in spite of our struggles.
But, there are the days of doubt. There are days that I wonder if I'm not doing enough. Is there something else that I could be doing to fix things? Days when I wonder if this is really God's will. I've had opportunities for me to work more. So, is that what I should be doing? When sitting down with my husband and discussing our options, we decided it would put too much strain on our household. So, I didn't accept. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should the boys be put in school? There are friends and family who keep saying "what if" you go back to work and put the boys in school. It won't kill them. Maybe not, but that's not what I feel is best for them. I believe this is what God wants for them. Right?? Because I do work part time, it does interfere with our school schedule. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like I'm doing it all right or getting it all done. So, what's a girl to do? Pray!! Pray, pray and pray some more. So I did. And I waited for God's answer. And I waited........
So, this is what I've learned and what I'm still learning. Sometimes you need to be quiet and still to hear Him. He answers you in his time and in his way. And then, the answer came and it was delivered by a dear friend. We met up one evening after I got out of work, so that we could catch up on each other's week. She vented, I vented. We laughed at our ups and downs through the week. We gave each other advice. And before I left, she reminded me of all the reasons I began homeschooling. She pointed out 'problems' that my 'solutions' would create. She reminded me that my first priority always has and always will be my family. God has entrusted these three beautiful, sweet boys to my husband and me. We are charged with raising them up in his ways, to be strong, christian men some day. And we feel that we are doing our best to fulfill our promises to God. She reminded me how convicted I've always been that this is God's will for us. She made me wonder about why I worried that this was no longer God's will. What was it that made me doubt? And when I laid it all out, I realized that it was my worry that made me second guess everything. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). That's what he wanted me to do. Trust! Trust and do his will. He is sovereign and in control. I was trying to control the situation by trying to figure out how I could fix things or make things better. What I should really be doing is trusting that if this is the Lord's will, then he will provide and make sure we're okay.
So, this evening, I'm at peace. Even though today I had to defend my decisions once again to someone I love. Someone who really only wants the best for me and worries for us. But, I have to realize that only I know what transpires between myself and God. As long as I follow His will, He will find a way. It's His plan after all.
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